Ten Classic Throwaway Albums

There are albums that have come to be regarded by music critics and the general public as indispensable classics, touchstones for anyone seriously interested in music to digest and regurgitate.  Most of these albums, however, are not the artists’ best work, or they have fallen into that sad category of “essential listening” due to CD reissues that seek to compile and condense an artist into one release that negates the idea of buying anything beyond a singular CD.  My point isn't to say that if you own these records, you absolutely have to get rid of them, or that they are necessarily bad albums in their own right (though some of them are, but again that’s not my point).  This is not a reaction to the music itself, but to the value attributed to the music.

Sure, you might listen to these “classic” albums all the time, but chances are, you don't.  Chances are you let these records sit on your shelf, slowly becoming the kind of things that you own merely for other people to see, so they can peruse your music collection and say, "My!  How well-rounded you are!"  Chances are, if you actually do listen to these albums a lot, you've heard them way too many times and there is nothing new that you could possibly learn from hearing them again.  Or, if you are old enough to remember these bands in their heyday, shame on you for owning these CDs anyway.  Why waste their utility like this?  An old CD can well serve as a coaster, or as a spacer to keep your kitchen table from wobbling.

So, without further digression, here are ten albums in no particular order that are overplayed, overblown, and overvalued.

1. The Doors - The Best of
Come on.  The Doors sound like elevator music.  Besides, the songs have been played in so many places by this time that all the “magic” that they once had has dissipated.  And am I the only one who thinks the lyrics to "Break on Through" and "Light my Fire" are blasé?  I'm not saying that the Doors stink, but if you really must listen to the Doors, then for Christ's sake buy one of their actual albums instead of picking up this plodding bore.  It doesn’t even have “Back Door Man,” which is good if only for the absence of Jim Morrison’s shitty “poetry” and the fact that it has hilarious connotations.  If you're complaining, saying, "Oh! But it has all the songs I really like!" then you shouldn't listen to the Doors anymore.  Give it up.

2. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
I know what you're thinking: “This is the seminal Pink Floyd album. This is the classic that everybody knows and loves, it’s the best album they ever did."  I am not contesting that fact.  But buddy, if this is the only Pink Floyd record you own, do us all a favor and throw it out.  This album and a Grafix bong do not make you cool.  This band recorded other good stuff that hasn't been completely drilled into the dirt yet by being exhaustively played over and over again, and “Dark Side of the Moon” is considered their best work mostly because it is their most popular.  Chuck it.  You have heard it plenty.  And if you haven't heard it plenty, than you shouldn't still own it anyway, because that probably means this is one of those CDs that you keep only because you think it would be sacrilege to discard it.  Well, the time has come.  "The Great Gig in the Sky" is obnoxious as hell, anyway.

3. Bob Marley - Legend
Do I really have to explain this one?  This is possibly the most hackneyed “Best of” album ever crumpled together.  As a result, anytime another band wants to cover a Marley song, whether in a stadium or at the bar around the corner, they inevitably pick one of the songs on this album.  Listen, everybody, there are other reggae artists out there.  There is a whole genre, believe it or not.  If you really like reggae, then stretch your boundaries and listen to someone else who has recorded it.  You are doing no good by blasting this CD.  And it’s really not, as some would contest, good music to have sex to.  I'm boycotting any band that covers "No Woman, No Cry."  And the next time I'm at a bar and some asshole plays "Redemption Song," I'm going to find the nearest piece of plywood and slap them in the face with it.

4. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
I'm sure I'll touch a nerve with this one, but this album is one of those records that people get weird about without really having justification.  Can you name all the songs on the album?  If you cannot, you should not own this under any circumstances.  Yes, it was revolutionary for it's time, but for God's sake, it is little more than a historical footnote.  This is an album that constantly has other records compared to it, and in my opinion, getting compared to this is a bad thing.  As a measuring stick, it’s akin to comparing an Olympic long-distance runner with the runner-up of the same event in the Nebraska State High School Championship.  This album is really not that good.  Ringo sings on it, for starters.  The production, utilizing a lot of jangly crap, is simply not that clean.  The whole album sounds horribly dated, though maybe that part is unavoidable.  But seriously, this should not be the cornerstone of your music collection, so prevent yourself from falling into the ridiculous cult-following that this album has fostered.  Yes, I’m going on record and saying that this album is a piece of shit.  Go buy “Revolver” instead.  You'll thank me later.

5. Led Zeppelin – Any Album
Unless you're a musician yourself and have already been influenced by these guys, just get rid of anything you have by them.  The age of the "Zep" has passed… Bonham died, Page always played sloppily anyway, and "Kashmir" was a theatrical piece of crap.  Having sex with groupies nowadays will either get you sued or get you some herpes.  If you don't recognize who this band is, then you should never allow Led Zeppelin to pique your curiosity.  Case closed.  She's buying a stairway to the garbage.

6. Miles Davis - Kind of Blue
It's the most popular, best-selling jazz album of all time.  It's been studied, analyzed, and lauded by many people.  The problem is it has quietly been played way too much.  Not that this is a bad album, but if you own it, you should be required to either (a) own at least three other Miles Davis albums, one of which must be “Bitches Brew” or (b) own or plan to own at least a dozen other jazz albums to make up for having the now-generic “Kind of Blue” in your collection without at least attempting to appear like an aficionado.  This is admittedly off the beaten path from the rest of the list, but some people need to stop playing this CD.  A turtleneck sweater and this album do not make you sophisticated, you dummy.

7. Jefferson Airplane – ANYTHING REMOTELY RELATED
"White Rabbit" is horrible.  And that's pretty much the least horrible that this band ever got.  "Somebody to Love" is even less creative.  Lest you forget, Grace Slick also sang on "We Built this City" in the 80’s when this crappy band was called Starship.  If I need to say any more, someone needs to come over to your house and physically restrain you before you cause any more problems and/or reproduce.

8. The Beach Boys - The Very Best of
Unless you have grandchildren, you should never play this CD, ever.  Not that the Beach Boys are bad, despite their heavy AM radio reputation, and the Beach Boys have other admirable albums and/or songs (though “Kokomo” is not one of them).  But to play this CD, you are fodder.  You are little more than another blissfully stupid music consumer, and if this gets your motor running then it really doesn't matter what you listen to, does it?  You can have all the Jefferson Airplane records that nobody else needs, you tasteless idiot.

9. Eagles - Hotel California
I’d rather be hit by a bus instead of having to suffer through this amazingly awful song one more time. The remainder of this record is forgettable, and mostly a waste of your time that could be better spent learning flower arrangement, or anything else slightly less arbitrary than this album.  The fact that people still have it, and even worse, “The Eagles Greatest Hits,” is a clear indication that the apocalypse is at hand.  I wish the Eagles would check themselves into this hotel because apparently, you can never leave, and that's where they should stay.  How did the Eagles get their status, anyway?  If they didn't actually play instruments they'd be little more than a boy band.  And a bad boy band, at that.

10. Peter Frampton - Frampton Comes Alive
I cannot believe that this horrendous abomination hasn't been collected in large piles and run over with bulldozers.  There is no reason you should own this, as it has no merit and no redeemable qualities.  If you still have this album, I hope it's by mistake.  Otherwise, you should be evaluated to see if you are a threat to yourself, because something is wrong with you.  This album makes me dry heave.  Do you feel like I do?

I'm sure you may disagree with some of what I've said, and you have a right to.  As long as you're fully aware of the reason why you own any of the albums mentioned above, it's okay.  My intention is to get you to rethink why you listen to music at all, and realize the propensity for people to attach value to things simply because it has a reputation or meaning that they personally did not ascribe to it.  If you cannot defend your choices, you cannot complain that people like me want to stomp all over your tastes.

There is a lot of great music available for you to listen to, and a wide berth of artists who may have taken their influence from some of the aforementioned bands, and the majority of these people are still making records.  Anything that you could ask for in an album that you can find in one of these so-called “classics,” you can find in at least a handful of other records of lesser vintage.  Classic albums do have their place, but to fail to listen to modern music as it evolves is to limit yourself, your tastes, and your horizons.  It’s perfectly fine to be a really big fan of Pink Floyd or the Beatles, but don’t let your preferences get narrow in the meantime.

Unless you like Jefferson Airplane.  In that case, you can kiss my ass.