I can remember when nearly every Bay area act had at least a couple of merch items beyond the usual tunes and t-shirts. And not just stickers, either. It wasn't too long ago that some bands seemed locked in an unspoken battle to come up with the coolest, most usable or just plain weirdest logo-festooned product, from the awesome (Barely Pink was the first band I can remember offering beer coozies, and one of the few non-punk outfits to press its own 7-inches) to the intriguing yet questionable (The Gita had black panties, though I'm not sure their more granola-fied female fans wore any) to the downright pompous (seriously people, if you haven't been on the cover of Guitar for the Practicing Musician, you don't need picks with your autograph printed on 'em).

A member of one of my previous bands went so far as to argue, earnestly and at length, for the production and sale of ... how can I put this ... towels for post-coital cleanup.

In the end, the world was spared the existence of black-and-yellow Joey Sunshine Band spooge rags. Still, it's a hell of a lot more interesting than a CD-R, and that ingenuity and sense of humor seem to have drained from the scene's merch tables in recent years. Yeah, I know the economy sucks, and that you still have a box of shirts with that one really regrettable logo design moldering in a corner of your practice space – we all do.

But even if the people at the show don't buy the leopard print codpieces with your band's name on them, they're certainly gonna remember the band that was selling leopard print codpieces at Orpheum. And some folks actually hold on to that stuff. It's quite cool to show up at a party and notice that somebody's still got the lighter or belt buckle you gave them when you were loaded four years ago; they dug your shit almost as much as you did, and it's not like you're ever gonna hear your old band's songs on the radio out of nowhere like that – so far as I'm aware, no local station is doing a Tracks By Bands That Never Went Anywhere And Broke Up In The Parking Lot Of The Brass Mug Hour on Sunday nights. It's a legacy, another way for a group's impact to endure beyond its lifespan, if only for those that care enough to remember it.

So let's make with the ingenious local-band swag, already. Here are five ideas to get those PBR-addled brain fluids flowing (and ten things I'd love to get for free from bands, natch):

USB Drives. They're as easy to get with your name on 'em as pens these days. Load 'em up with mp3s of everything the band's ever done, or go the exclusive-content route with demos, pics, live tracks, passwords to secret pages on your website, etc. Flash drives can be a little pricey depending on storage, so “limited edition” is the way to go here.

Wine Labels. Fuck Vince Neil. Why go to the trouble of bottling your own wine when you can sell a sticker that looks hip, and covers up the fact that some of your fans think Chardonnay is actually drinkable? Go for a package of four or five wraparound decals bearing the types of wine your band members actually like to drink, or just take the obvious route and make everything look like a bottle of Mad Dog.

Clean Urine. It's more than just an inside-joke extra level of subterfuge for those fans of yours looking to score a nice, boring cubicle job. (“I'm not just cheating with someone else's piss, I'm cheating with Shawn Beauville's piss!”) It's a part of you, man; you're sharing so much more than a song. Also, it's great for athlete's foot and jellyfish attacks.

Diapers. With bands and fans of a certain age, onesies for the tots are pretty much THE merch item to tout. But that's been done to death. What about diapers? Yes, I know they're disposable, and they get covered with runny baby leavings. You don't put your logo on them. You put the logo of a band you think sucks on them. On the inside.

Scratch-Off Lottery Tickets. Who doesn't like scratching off lottery tickets? And who wouldn't want their very own lottery? It's win-win, band people, even if not every fan wins an autographed guitar, or a free CD, or even another ticket. (Plus, you can always double up on the collectible angle by taping an autographed guitar pick to every ticket as a bonus scratching-off implement.)